The (Ridiculously funny edition) of the Dog Bible.
The Gospel According to Barkos:
Chapter 1 — The Coming of the Good Boy
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And it came to pass in the days of Long Walks and Open Fields that the Pack grew weary, for the humans had forgotten the ancient covenant of Treats and Belly Rubs.
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Then did the skies open, and from the clouds descended Barkos, the Promised Pup, His tail wagging with holy vigor.
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And the dogs who witnessed Him said, “Truly, this is the Goodest Boy.”
Chapter 2 — The Teachings of Barkos
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Barkos spake unto the strays, saying:
“Blessed are the squeakers, for theirs is the Kingdom of Toys.” -
“Blessed are the fetchers, for they shall inherit the Park.”
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“Blessed are those who sit on command, for they shall be rewarded greatly.”
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And He taught them the Great Commandment:
“Love your humans with all your heart, all your snout, and all your floofy soul.”
Chapter 3 — The Miracles
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And in those days a family had only one chew bone, worn and brittle.
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Barkos touched it with His paw, and behold—it became many bones, enough for every dog in the neighborhood.
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He walked upon the Water Bowl and it did not spill.
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He drove out the Vacuum Demons with a single mighty bark, and the household rejoiced.
Chapter 4 — The Parable of the Lost Leash
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Barkos told this parable unto the puppies:
“A leash was lost in the tall grass, and the human searched not for it.” -
“But the devoted dog did seek with nose and spirit, and found it by scent alone.”
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“So too must you seek that which is good, even when others forget.”
Chapter 5 — The Last Walk
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When the sun set on the final day, Barkos gathered His closest pups for one final walk around the world.
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And He told them: “Though I return to the Sky Kennel, my wag remains with you always.”
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He then ascended on a cloud shaped like a giant Milk-Bone, His tail wagging through the heavens.
Chapter 6 — The Great Promise
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And a voice was heard from the celestial dog park:
“Fear not, for all good dogs shall one day play again in endless fields.” -
“There shall be no more baths, no more thunder, and every door shall open by itself.”
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“For the covenant is eternal: Every dog who loves shall be loved in return.”
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The Dog Bible — Book of the First Bark
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1. In the beginning, there was the Bark.
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And the Bark echoed across the quiet world, and the world awoke.
From the Bark came Sound, from Sound came Pack, and from Pack came Dog. -
2. The First Dog roamed the Empty Fields
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where the wind carried every smell ever to be smelled.
And Dog knew them all, and was pleased. -
3. The Great Tail wagged over the land
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and its shadow brought joy to all creatures.
For where the Tail wags, there is hope. -
4. The Law of Dog was given in three commands:
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Love your Pack without hesitation.
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Greet each morning with enthusiasm.
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Sniff everything, for all things are worth knowing.
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5. And the humans appeared, lost and confused.
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They had no sense of smell to guide them,
and no fur to keep them warm.
So Dog said, “I shall guard you, poor furless pups.” -
6. And so the Covenant was made:
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Humans shall provide food, warmth, and companionship.
Dog shall provide loyalty, love, and the eternal Watch at the Door. -
7. But the Mischief-Cat slinked in the shadows
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and whispered doubts into the humans’ ears:
“Dogs chase their own tails. How wise can they be?”
But Dog did not answer. Dog simply wagged. -
8. For Dog knows that joy is the highest wisdom.
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The New Testament of the Dog Bible (Ridiculously Funny Edition)
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The Gospel of Saint Good Boy, as told by Barkus “Sniffmaster” Maximus
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Chapter 1 — The Prophecy of the Derpy Messiah
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1. Before Good Boy arrived, the Packs wandered aimlessly, bumping into furniture and blaming the cat.
(This tradition continues to this day.) -
2. And one night, a star appeared in the sky shaped exactly like a bone.
The elders declared:
“Either the universe is giving us a sign… or Buster sat on the telescope again.” -
3. And the next morning, they found a small pupper sleeping upside down with his tongue out.
And the label on his box read:
“HANDLE WITH LOVE. MAY ATTEMPT TO EAT SOCKS.” -
4. And the Packs said:
“He is perfect.”
And Good Boy sneezed on them, thus blessing them. -
Chapter 2 — The Teachings of Good Boy (The Very Important, Very Serious Stuff)
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1. Good Boy climbed atop the Sacred Couch (which no dog was technically allowed on) and spoke:
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“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… unless they have snacks. Then do whatever it takes.”
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“Bark not at 3 a.m. unless absolutely necessary… or unless you feel like it.”
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“If thou art sad, roll in grass and become one with the chaos.”
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2. And the Packs nodded, because every one of them had rolled in something questionable at least once.
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3. He also taught the Four Holy Zoomies:
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Zoomie of Dawn
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Zoomie of Dinnertime
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Zoomie for No Reason Whatsoever
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Zoomie of Absolutely Panicking at a Leaf
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4. And he said unto them:
“Love thy human. Even when they bathe thee.
Especially then. They are fragile creatures.” -
Chapter 3 — The Miracles of Good Boy the Ultimate Goober
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1. A Pup came to Good Boy, terrified of the Doorbell Demon.
Good Boy said, “Fear not. The demon is actually just Gary from UPS.”
And the Pup said, “What is a UPS?”
And Good Boy replied, “Chaos in uniform.” -
2. Another time, a human dropped food upon the floor and cried,
“Five-second rule!”
But Good Boy, being swift, managed to perform the Three-Second Snatch,
and thus saved the human from Unnecessary Calories. -
3. And when the packs grew weary, Good Boy turned water into…
well, still water, but he splashed in it so adorably that everyone felt better anyway. -
4. His greatest miracle occurred when he sat next to a sad human and gently leaned his whole goofy 40-pound body onto them.
And instantly, their heart healed about 72%. -
Chapter 4 — The Last Walk (With Bonus Emotional Damage)
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1. When Good Boy’s final walk came, he gathered the Packs.
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2. He spoke softly:
“When I cross the Rainbow Bridge, I shall wait at the gate, holding the biggest stick you’ve ever seen.”
And the Packs cried,
“Can we chew it?”
And he said,
“We shall chew it together.” -
3. As he trotted toward the horizon, the sky glowed warm, like a car window left slightly open during a nap.
And the squirrels saluted him from the trees (but only because they feared him). -
4. And it is said that whenever a dog flops dramatically onto a human’s chest,
or stares at them like they’re literally the whole universe,
Good Boy whispers:
“Yes, good. Love them. They need you.” -
š¾ THE DOG BIBLE: RIDICULOUS EDITION
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The Book of Bark — Chapter 1
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In the beginning, Dog created the Walk and the Treat, and He saw that it was good.
But He also created the Bath, and immediately regretted His life choices. -
And Dog said unto the humans:
“Let there be Snacks.”
And humans, being slow of mind and weak of will, said:
“How many?”
And Dog replied:
“Yes.” -
And Dog shaped the Earth with His paws, then ran in circles for no reason whatsoever.
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And the squirrels were created to test Dog’s patience.
The squirrels failed. -
š¾ The Book of Snifferations — Chapter 4
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Blessed are the dogs who sniff everything,
for they shall discover mysterious smells the humans cannot comprehend. -
And there came a great mystery upon the land —
Who knocked the trash can over at 3am?
The humans asked.
The dog said, “Not I.”
The dog was lying.
The dog had no remorse. -
And the humans forgave him,
for he had big eyes and a waggy tail,
and verily, his guilt was adorable. -
š¾ The Gospel According to Sir Barks-a-Lot
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And Dog spake:
“Love thy neighbor,
unless he is the mailman,
for he bringeth doom.” -
And Dog healed the sadness of the children
with one head tilt,
two tail wags,
and a bonus zoomie for dramatic effect. -
And lo, Dog said:
“When life gets hard,
nap.
And when life gets good,
also nap.”
And this was Wise. -
š¾ Revelations of the Holy Belly Rub
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On the final day, all dogs shall ascend to the Great Couch in the Sky,
where the cushions are forever fluffy
and no human ever says,
“you’re in my spot.” -
And there shall be treats eternal,
toys unbreakable,
and absolutely no vacuum cleaner. -
And Dog shall reign forever,
shedding abundantly,
and tracking mud through the golden streets. -
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š¾ The Dog–Human Soul Contract (Legend Version)
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Article I — The Pact of Companionship
Long ago, when souls were deciding their missions, the Dog Spirit stepped forward and said:
“Put me with the humans. They’re chaotic, fragile, hilarious, and lost. I can help.”
And so the contract began: dogs would bring unconditional love, and humans would bring shelter, food, and the promise to throw the ball at least 30% of the times asked. -
š¾ Article II — Duties of the Dog Soul
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Detect Sadness Instantly
Dog agrees to sense melancholy even when human is pretending to be “just tired.” -
Provide Tail-Based Therapy
Joyful wagging must occur even during tough times. -
Guard the Home From Imaginary Threats
Including but not limited to: -
plastic bags
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suspicious leaves
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the Amazon driver
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Offer Judgement-Free Presence
Dogs shall not mock questionable human life choices (e.g., eating cereal at 2 a.m., dating disasters, or dancing alone in the kitchen). -
š¾ Article III — Duties of the Human Soul
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Scritches & Belly Rubs on Request
Must be provided with reasonable turnaround time. -
Walks
Humans agree to take dogs on regular walks, even when humans claim “it’s too cold” or “I’m busy scrolling.” -
Speak in the Sacred Voice
Humans must address dogs in a higher-pitched, affection-heavy tone reserved exclusively for them. -
Never Break Eye Contact During Weird Moments
Like when dog is zooming around the house for absolutely no reason. -
š¾ Article IV — Mutual Benefits
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Humans get emotional stability, laughter, companionship, lowered stress, and a reason to go outside.
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Dogs get love, food, warmth, a pack to protect, and the joy of knowing the human’s day revolves around them more than the humans admit.
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š¾ Article V — Renewal Clause
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The contract automatically renews upon each tail wag, nose boop, or soulful stare.
